A memo to all toddlers re. your diet

I Love this but you have ‘better’ to come: teenagers.

Teenagers’ lives in brief … remembering this is a much larger ‘chunk’ than many believe, beginning at the end of primary school long before they hit 13 years old, and lasts well into their  early 20’s : their lives can roughly be divided into 3 important sections – their bedroom, their friends, and school.

  • Their bedroom. Before they hit their teens, this is a room to sleep in and it is difficult to get them to go to it. Now they will live in it. You are not allowed in – which is just as well because as the floor is the main storage facility, there’s no room for you anyway. Wardrobes and cupboards have become superfluous so have to be covered up with stickers, posters, To Do lists (which must not be ‘done’) and pictures of (females) ‘cute’ animals in strange poses or (male) cars, guitars or other objects of desire. Notice, there is no category for their diet on this one, as they refuse to eat with you. The only evidence of what they may be living on is indistinguishable mould covered leftovers which you eventually discover by stepping on when approximately every few months you do have to prepare both your mind and body  for a Search and Rescue operation  to retrieve your best china/plates/mugs/crystal glasses/plastic mixing bowls/picnic plates from what will be increasingly accurately known as ‘The Pit’. The only other occasion you have to enter this sanctum is to collect laundry. (You will give up on bed sheets and duvet covers around the age of 14, finding it easier to just buy new ones annually.) The laundry is actually quite a fascinating collection: the last time they had nothing to wear, you took them to an expensive fashion purveyor and purchased tasteful, hard-wearing items which fitted them properly. You will, however, rarely find any of these items in the laundry – instead there will continue to be the shapeless, foul-langauge bearing T-shirts bought from music or sports events (male) or £3 ‘tops’ from New Look (female), the latter designed for women at least 10 years older.
  • Their friends. These are the best/worst people in the world. They hate their friends until you comment on them. Then you are the worst person in the world and they hate you. Their friends have everything they do not. Their friends are prettier/’fit’-er, allowed to do everything they are not and apparently have the only reasonable parents in the world who constantly leave their friends unattended at home, do not make them visit grandparents or go shopping and who NEVER go in their children’s bedrooms. They also have better mobile phones, and a ‘decent games console’ despite you only ever buying exactly what they asked for themselves. They spend a lot of time reduced to tears by their friends. It is useless trying to console them, because it is the end of the known world and you don’t understand: which obviously you don’t as you are not allowed to actually meet most of these friends because you are embarrassing.
  • School. All you need to know about school/’uni’ is that it has changed beyond your imagination since your day. They return from this place exhausted daily. When you enquire what they have been doing, you will be told ‘Nothing’. This is shorthand for “I’m not telling you because it’s none of your business and even if it was, you wouldn’t understand because you do not know any of my friends, and you would have the teachers arrested if you knew how they treated me, which would be embarrass me in front of my friends.” After having to talk to you for this long, they will then retreat to their bedroom where it will take them the rest of the evening to ‘chat’ on their mobiles, laptops and even games consoles about everything that happened at school that day.



Hurrah For Gin

I’ve noticed an alarming trend at pre-school, some of my fellows seem to be eating what is presented to them on their plates without query. I have also witnessed some voluntary consumption of vegetables. It makes me sick.

Take heed people, follow these simple rules and exert some fricking authority!

  • Set the tone – spend a week detoxing on jam toast.
  • Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.
  • Don’t try anything new EVER.
  • Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.
  • Fruit as a pudding is bullsh*t.
  • Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Beige, dead looking stuff is safer.
  • Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket…

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